Ok Kiddo

The time: November 2004

The Sitch: A young guy on a forum has embarrassed himself in front of the girl he likes and is asking for advice. We join the conversation on my second post of advice...

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Ok kiddo, where were we?

Before I carry on, let me just say that it's gotta be face to face, ok? Do you want to be the main character is a story entitled "The loser who asked me out over the internet in the 8th grade" by Brittany Whatsherface? I didn't think so.

You were right to ask for help, for a shy person the worst possible advice to listen to is your own. Every time you think "I'll speak to her over AOL" or "I'll get a friend to find out if she likes me" it just means you're scared. You're not scared she'll say no, you're scared she'll say *yes*. Let's face it, that's the scary part. She says no you're bummed out for a while and then life goes on as usual, but if she says yes then suddenly you've got a girlfriend, and then what the hell do you do? What shyness boils down to is being afraid of the unknown and not having the strength of will to fight that fear. You can think of 100 reasons to put it off, but it all comes back to fear.

What you need is a good kick in the butt to get you over the first step, which is where I come in. :) I'm going to tell you *exactly* how to do this, step by step, so do it without question and your subconscious won't have the chance to sabotage things. Don't think about it, just tell yourself "I'm going to do this" and then do it. I promise you'll benefit from it.

It's a leap of faith man.

Ok, so:

Catch up with her after class (I assume if she's hurrying out she'll be alone, if not, try to get her away from her friends) and say "Excuse me, Brittany? I want to apologize about Wednesday, at the bus stop. The truth is that I have a crush on you and when you spoke to me I got nervous and panicked. I hope I didn't hurt your feelings. You'll probably want to "young" that up, I'm not really up on the latest youth slang.

Could be that she'll shoot you down at this point, but make sure you behave like a man, 'cause it could be that she's just panicking herself and she'll come around eventually, but not if you get angry or start sulking. Just say, "As long as I didn't upset you." and try to change the subject. The important thing is to keep talking, but stay casual.

Obviously if she doesn't shoot you down (here's hoping) then you'll need to follow up on your opening gambit...

(note: forget the slang, but you gotta personalize your lines. make notes but don't script it word for word, it'll sound fake. You'll be nervous, but you're *telling* her you're nervous so don't worry about it.)

(note 2: Unless kids have started saying it again whatever you do don't use the word "crush". It's lame. Tell her you like her, or even better, say "I really like you.")

(note 3: It's pretty important that you get her alone, but don't be embarrassed to do it. If she's with friends then just say something like "Brittney, could I have a word" and move away from the group. If she follows you great, but there are two other possibilities.
1) She'll follow you and her friends will follow her. In this case, draw her to one side and position yourself between them and her, facing her with your back to the friends. Block her view of them with your head. If they insist on crowding around throw them a "do you mind?"
2) She won't follow, and her friends might giggle. *DO NOT* get disheartened, slump your shoulders or walk away. Stay calm, look at her (not the friends) and give her a look that says, "What's up, why aren't you coming?" (head tilted at 20-25 degree angle towards your dominant hand, eyes slightly widened followed by slight raising of the eyebrows. Practice in the mirror.) She'll see that you're calm and get embarrassed about laughing, (chances are it'll be the friends laughing anyway, not her) and she'll come on over. In this instance keep her back to her friends.)

Here's a little more on what to do if you get shot down. If it happens it'll happen one of two ways. 1) Gently, in which case follow the instructions above. I can't stress enough just how important it is that you remain calm and friendly. Show her you're upset, but *don't* show her how much. In other words suck it up. She does it gently and the game ain't over, there's a strong possibility that she'll come around later, and now *she* knows how *you* feel she won't be as shy about coming to you. Of course, if she does it 2) Nastily, then just forget it, you don't want her. Just say "ahh, never mind." and walk away from her.

But hey, let's think positive. You've apologised for being a jerk and you've told her you like her. This last bit is *REALLY* important. If she likes you then she is just as nervous about it as you are, or else she wouldn't have gotten embarrassed at the bus. She's as scared as you, guaranteed, so if you've made the first move then that's the pressure off her. But she'll still be scared. Don't add to it by standing there waiting for an answer, if she doesn't shoot you down immediately then change the subject to something simple, like how much your school football team sucks. 'Cause they do y'know. Everyone knows Hempfield is the suckiest team ever.

Actually, don't say that. :) Steer clear of stating your own opinions for now, she might be a rabid football fan. Ask *her* what she thinks about the football team, or music class, or ask her if she's seen such and such a movie. If your school keeps classes together between subjects and you've got your next class together ask her if she want's to walk with you, but casually. "I'm headed to math, how about you?" Talk as you go. If you're seperated between subjects then ask her what she has next and then say you've got such and such a subject that happens to be in the same direction. Don't say this if she knows what subject you have next, say you've got to go somewhere else before class (somewhere that happens to be in the same direction, but not the nurses office, the bathroom or the principal's office!) If she catches you out in this lie laugh it off and say you fancy taking the scenic route.

Remember, if she likes you then her first instinct is going to be to run off and hide somewhere, but to do it without offending you. Like you did on the bus. (only without the offending ;)) The beauty of school however, is that you're stuck there. If she's going somewhere then there's every chance you're going there too, so she can't make a break for it without hiding in the girl's bathroom, and even if she does you're still going to see her in class.

Anyway, the important thing is getting how you feel out there, after that pull right back on the throttle and keep the conversation mundane. (but in an interesting way ;)) Forget that you have feelings for her and just talk to her as a friend. Don't over do it. Let her get a feel for you as a person and you get to know her better. Like I said earlier stay clear of strong opinions (either way) until you have a better idea of what *her* opinions are. Don't lie, (it could come back to haunt you later) but don't be afraid to *bend* the truth. Remember, this part isn't about becoming soulmates, it's about getting her comfortable with you. Round off your edges.

Ok, unless she's turned you down or come out and said "I like you too, let's make out" (in which case you can skip this section!) at this point you've entered pre-courtship, which is all about waiting for her to become comfortable with you and respond to you. You gotta be patient. Don't hang around her all the time, just incorporate her into your list of friends and go about your daily routine. If you see her say hi, shoot the breeze. In short, treat her like a normal person, not a girl :)

During this stage be honest about your feelings towards her, regardless of who asks. Don't talk about her all the time, but a comment here and there is a good idea. Word has a way of travelling so always assume that she'll hear everything you say.

What'll happen is that in around a week she'll want to talk to you, or more likely she'll send a friend to talk to you. You'll be asked if you really meant what you said, say yes. If it's a friend you're speaking to she'll go back and tell Brittney. Don't lose your cool, this means she's about ready to give you her answer, but don't wait for it. If you're not talking to her directly go find her, get her alone (by now her friends will be more understanding) and ask her out. A movie is a good idea because it's pretty casual. Say "I was going to go see [movie (make sure it's a comedy, unless you know she really likes another type of movie)] on Saturday, would you like to go with me?" (couple of pointers, make sure you specify a movie, specify a day and don't say "would you like to come" because this comes out as "you wanna tag along with me and possibly my buddies", say "would you like to go with me" to be clear it's a date)

A few different things could happen now, she'll hopefully say yes, but she could also say "I'm busy Saturday" to which you reply "How about Friday night?" (It doesn't have to be these specific days, but don't be ambiguous, don't say "how about another time?") She might say she doesn't want to see that movie (which is pretty picky if you ask me) but don't suggest another movie, suggest a different casual activity (I don't know, mini golf or something. Actually, if she goes for the movie and everything goes well mini golf would be a pretty cool second date.) If she wants to see another movie she'll suggest it. She might say no in which case just say "another time maybe" (it's ok to be ambiguous now) and go back into pre-courtship.

If she hasn't contacted you two weeks after you first spoke to her then just go ahead and ask her out using the method above.

It's a good idea to set the date for as soon as possible, the less time there is to wait between the asking and the date the less time there is for either of you to get scared. If people ask about it don't say it's no big deal (it could get back to her) but whatever you do don't spaz out. The most important thing you can do throughout this is keep a level head.

Don't arrange to meet at the cinema, pick her up at her house. (obviously you won't have a car, but walk/take the bus with her) If you arrange to meet there's always a chance she just won't show up. If she's not keen on this idea though don't force it, it could be that she doesn't want her parents to know she's going out on a date.

When you get there pay for everything, even if she offers to go dutch. Seriously, the first date is no time to be cheap. Buy her popcorn and a soda if she wants them, and get yourself whatever she's having, (so as not to make her feel greedy) but don't eat it. You don't want sticky hands, burping/hiccups or having to go to the bathroom while you're in the cinema. Chat with her while you're in the lobby.

Anyway, if you've gotten to this point then you're good to go it alone from here, so I'll just leave you with a couple of tips.

Holding Hands in the cinema: wait until at least half of the movie is done and wait for her to put her hand on her armrest or her thigh and then clasp it gently but firmly. You'll be nervous so wipe your palm on the leg of your trousers first. (wear dark colored pants) If her hand is on her thigh be careful what you're touching.

Raising "issues": if "something suddenly comes up" while you're in the cinema don't panic, it's dark. Just concentrate on the film for a while.

Watching the film: Try to keep at least one eye on the film just so you can react in the right places and have a reasonable conversation about it afterwards. It might help if it's one you've seen before.

First kiss: Your first kiss shouldn't be a 10 second frencher. After you take her home (and if the date went well) give her a closed mouth kiss on the right hand corner of her mouth (left if she's a left-hander) just on the edge of the lips. You can get to the 10 second frenchers later.

My last tip is this: If she doesn't go for it, let it go. As long as you gave it your best shot that's all that matters. Don't let one setback keep you from trying again with someone else. A wise man once said "It's better to kiss the girls and get slapped a few times than it is to stop kissing altogether."

Oh, and remember, nothing'll happen unless you grow a pair.