How to pick up chicks...VIDEOGAME STYLE

The time: March 2005

The Sitch: During a brief period of inspiration our hero decides to write a dating guide book...

--------------------------------

How to pick up chicks
VIDEOGAME STYLE!

So, you want to pick up chicks? Yeah, sure you do. Problem is, the longest relationship you’ve ever had was with Alahna, your Dark Elf rogue in World of Warcraft. And you know something? All those times she told you the server was down, she was seeing Master Chief behind your back. But hey, can you blame her? Master Chief is a stud.

Did you ever wonder why it was that Solid Snake gets all the chicks, albeit temporarily, and you don’t? Why Master Chief and Cortana get on so well (when he isn’t slipping it to Alahna that is) but you get rejected by women you haven’t even met? Why Mario and Peach have been together for so many years even though he’s clearly old enough to be her father and looks like he was in a porno movie back in the seventies and was never asked to give the costume back, while you sit alone in your room and fantasise about the girls from Dead or Alive? I bet you think it has something to do with self-confidence or personal hygiene, don’t you?

Wrong.

The answer lies with the ULTIMATE PICK-UP SECRETS OF THE VIDEOGAME ELITE! Devised by a secretive sect of videogaming monks who were tired of never getting any chicks, the ULTIMATE PICK-UP SECRETS OF THE VIDEOGAME ELITE are a series of tried and tested techniques for wooing based on videogames themselves.



Chapter One

Ok, true story. I once tried to impress, not one but two girls with my skills at Guitaroo Man on a demo pod in my local record store. Level 2, not overly challenging, but hey, this is Guitaroo Man, just getting past the training mission is fairly impressive. So there I am, wailing on my axe, dodging energy bolts and zombie Elvises (or is that Elvi?) while riding on the back of a UFO. I work my magic and finish up with an A rank, at which point I notice that both girls have left – although I do receive a standing ovation from the few other gamers who’ve gathered to watch.
Women and games don’t mix. Actually, that’s not fair, a lot of women play games in these crazy, mixed up times we live in, but Dating and games – that’s your oil and water.