Dr Love, PhD

The Time: August 2004

The Sitch: A guy on a forum asks for advice with the ladies, specifically one in his 'youth group', whatever that is - enter #1 super stud Casino Valentine with some in depth instructions

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On to the subject at hand. If I've learned anything from the movies, what you need to do is:

1) Save her life. Obviously a youth-group isn't the most hazardous of places, so you'll need to endanger her life first. But whatever you do don't tell her! So, set fire to the roof and then knock her out of the way just as a huge flaming beam is falling towards her. It wouldn't hurt to try and injure yourself a little while doing it. Well, it might hurt physically, but it'll make you look cool and self sacrificing. Don't get too hurt though or you'll look like a wimp, and girls hate that. Anyway, ignore your injuries and go ask her if she's ok - help her up and make sure your eyes meet. Stare into her eyes intensely for a few moments as the fire blazes around you, and then lift her up and carry her to safety. A good trick to use would be to jump through some fire on the way out. Girls like that. Once you're outside lower her to the ground, ask her if she's ok again (try to get your eyes to meet again) and then turn around and start to leave. When she asks you where you're going say "There are more people inside" and go back in. You don't actually have to save anyone else if you don't want to. If you can arrange it ahead of time have a policeman outside to say "I'll be here when you come back" so that you can reply "I'm not coming back chief." I think she'll appreciate the fact that you can work a Spider-Man quote into a crisis.

2) After you've saved her life go to find her at the hospital when she'll likely be being treated for minor injuries and smoke inhalation. Before you go in bribe a doctor to tell you about her condition so that you can dazzle her with your medical knowledge. After you've tended to her for a while she'll probably invite you to her birthday party.

3) The party. This is where you'll lay it on thick.

Turn up to the party in a classic sports car. Choosing a classic over a modern car will show both how rich you are and also how you have good taste, like an art collector, but cooler because it's cars. The important thing is to arrive late as this will make you look like you are laid back and relaxed. It will also mean there are more people there to see your classic sports car. Wear your sunglasses while you walk through the party, ignoring everyone, but take them off when you find her. Now give her your gift.

I know your first instinct when buying a gift will be sexy lingerie, but don't do it. Jewellery is a much classier gift, and it also covers less skin. A good choice would be a necklace, but remember, choosing a necklace that matches her eyes means matching the *color* of her eyes, not actual eyeballs. Give her the gift unwrapped but in a velvety case, you don't want to be waiting around while she tears into the wrapping, and besides, who can be bothered with wrapping anyway?

Ok, listen close, this bit is important - make sure *you* take the necklace out of the box for her, thus leading up to your first intimate moment: The Necklace Put-On. Get her to turn around so she's facing away from you, then reach around her and put the necklace around her neck. This makes the girl feel all vulnerable and sexy, but also shows her that she can trust you - so what ever you do don't attack her!

It's also important that you install a small tracking device in the necklace, you'll find out why later.

Ok, so now that's done obviously you won't want to stick around any longer than necessary, so find your school bully who will be victimising some nerd and get into a fight with him while defending the nerd. Do not, repeat DO NOT attack the nerd. Beat up the bully and his friends with your kung-fu skills (you'll need kung-fu skills for this part) and then act like you're all ashamed of yourself and run off. Once you're out of sight you can go get a chocolate shake or something.

4) The Rescue.

At some point between the end of the party and now you'll have arranged for the girl to be kidnapped by an international crime syndicate lead by a diabolical madman. You'll need to fly off to his remote mountain hideout to rescue her. Use the tracking device in her necklace to find the base, you'll find her in a Perspex room towards the rear of the complex. She'll probably be confused and angry at this point and demand an explanation, so this is where you distract her by confessing your true feelings towards her. It might help if you have some chocolates or perhaps a guitarist with you to help. This last minute confession in the face of impending doom will make her realise that she's loved you all along, and you'll kiss. Unfortunately that's all you'll have time for right now because you still need to escape from the madman who is plotting to destroy...something. Maybe even the world. You'll probably have about 10-15 minutes before the auto destruct mechanism goes off, so you'd better haul ass. If you want to score extra points with this girl you could try to kill the diabolical madman and foil his evil scheme, but it's not necessary.

Once you get back you and her can go for chocolate shakes or something.


Just call me Dr. Love, PhD!